One thing, yes I ramble on this. Sorry about that. It's a chance for me to talk about a topic that's always on my mind but I never get to speak about. This blog is as much a personal journal for my own benefit as it is anything else. So back to the story...
As you get older and you have a steady job, you get married, you have kids, etc., I think there's a certain amount of acceptance that naturally comes along with things in your life. You realize that there are certain limitations and things that you simply can't change. And you realize that that's okay - i.e., you accept it. We see it in politics all the time for instance - the youngest of us think that we can change the world. As we get older, some of that idealism fades. Hopefully most of that idealism fades only to realism and not cynicism (it seems to me so many older people are cynical and think that the young are destroying the world - I digress). There are some things we can and should change for sure. Yes, I should work my butt off in the gym to lose those extra 15 pounds (not only will I feel better physically, but there's obvious advantages from being a CD and trying to look as fem as possible when dressed - a CD with a beer gut is not an attractive image!). But no, I'm not going to be able to change who I am, what drives me, and what I'm passionate about.
I think that this shift in mindset is what finally led to my acceptance of my crossdressing as a major (not the major, a major), part of who I am. And that came a couple of years ago. That summer when my wife and kids went away for a couple of weeks, I had a CD bonanza. Bought a bunch of clothes on Amazon. Got a bunch of makeup. Spent the weekend dressed. My makeup was terrible - there's a bunch of headless shots on my Flickr site. But it was so fun. And what I discovered (which I had somewhat discovered before) is when you dressed, there's a huge rush in getting out. I was sneaking around the neighborhood at night (I made an intentionally vague comment about risk and thrills on those Flickr pics - but that's what I meant). I think some of it is sexual in nature - there is something sexual about being a hetero CD for me, and many of us. Think about where many of us started and what we would do as teenagers while dressed, and then the shame afterwards. As I said on a Facebook post of Ana Cristina Garcia's, I've certainly felt an increased element of risk taking involved when dressed. Perhaps some of it is because I have to be so secretive most of the time - I.e., risk averse - that when I get that chance I need to take the risk. Certainly the rush is a big part of it - and I do think that some of that rush may be driven by arousal (even if we don't have a physical reaction). Sexual arousal makes us do things we wouldn't do otherwise.
But creeping around the neighborhood wasn't enough. I wanted to see how good I could look. I wanted to share this secret with someone in a face to face manner. I needed validation that CDing was okay and that I could be (reasonably) good at it. As I said again on Cristy's Facebook post, I think that the need for validation naturally comes from suppression followed by acceptance. CDing has been a suppressed part of our identity our whole life - often even from ourselves. When we finally do accept it as part of who we are, we want to do it right. I think this is because you put more effect into the things that give you the most satisfaction. So once we've accepted CDing, we either (1) want validation of our best work or (2) want to give our best so badly that we're willing to reveal ourselves so we can have the help in achieving our best (my case). Either way, there's a natural desire to want to share with someone that stems from acceptance. One's levels of risk aversion, trust, and security will dictate whether that person shares with someone they love or a stranger.
I'm actually quite a risk averse person despite creeping around my neighborhood in a tight dress, heels, and a cheap bad wig that weekend. And I felt there was a lot to lose by sharing this with my wife. I could lose her, my kids, my job, everything that I had worked for. I could not (and still cannot) get over that hump. So I went the stranger route. But I had dropped too much money on clothes to do it that weekend. That outing would have to wait another year.
This past summer, with my wife and kids going out of town again, I went on another Amazon binge. But this time I was going to scratch that validation itch. I was going to see how good I could look. And I was going to share my secret with someone in person for the first time. I did a lot of research before deciding where I would go. Looking at websites, reading testimonials (both on and off of the makeover site websites because let's face it, there's some natural bias on their websites - who is going to post a bad review?), and considering the length of time the person had been doing their work. Ultimately, I felt that the best choice for me was Karen at Femmefever. This was it. A huge step for me. I was unsure of my emotional state - this was a secret that I had kept for 35+ years. But it was something I had to do. My testimonial from that day tells my experience from a day in my life that I'll never forget:
"After many years in the closet to the world, the desire to be dressed "right" was just too much for me. So after doing I fair amount of research, I got up my nerve and messaged Karen to set up an appointment. When the day finally came, I drove to Karen's. I circled the block a couple of times before I got up the nerve to stop. When I finally did, I was literally shaking with fear. But within moments, Karen put me at ease.
She has a way with conversation that is so disarming - casual, yet insightful, full of wisdom yet not preachy, but lots of fun. We talked a bit about my background, a bit about hers, and then she got to "work" on molding the clay that she had (i.e., me). She took her time getting me ready - but not too much time (I think a big part of the day was being about to simply enjoy being dressed) and then we spent several hours taking a few (okay a lot) pictures, trying some different looks, getting some (much needed) advice, and talking about everything under the sun - from her kid's sports achievements and my own (modest) ones, to some of the feelings that I had to the varied people who have come through there. I can't remember all the conversation. What I do remember was that Karen gave me a wonderful day to relax and to be in the moment, in femme. No fear, no pressure - just acceptance and friendship, which is what I think so many of us need. She's truly a special person and knows how to make a great experience.
As far as the dressing, it was a blast. We tried many different looks, different wigs, and Karen would take the time to make my make-up right while for the look I was going for. She really worked hard on her piece of clay (me), who was floating on a cloud too much to appreciate all the effort, but certainly was able to savor the results.
Three months later, I'm still smiling as I type this. My circumstances make my ability to get out minimal, but Karen maximized the return on that little bit of time. I can't wait to see her again."
I actually drove home dressed that day. Two hours in rush hour traffic. Not a good idea to do when adrenaline is rushing and you're wearing a corset. I was too scared to stop and nature was screaming at me! But I did make it home and spent the rest of that day and the next dressed. The next day, I actually didn't dress even though I could. I think CDing for me is a balance thing. I need yin and yang. And having had two days of overwhelming yin, I needed the yang of time alone as a male. The problem most times is that the yin needs more time. That weekend, by Sunday, it was the yang.
That said, there's a bit of a Pandora's box element to being dressed "right", seeing how good I could look, and sharing my secret that scared me. It still scares me sometimes. What if I like dressing and being open with it too much? Was I going down a road where this would take up a bigger and bigger chunk of my life such that I pushed out the other elements of my life and this took center stage? I don't think that's happening. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a struggle - there's that desire for validation. There's that rush in being out. There's that desire to share the experience with those who have experienced that same thing. But there's so much to lose by doing too much of that. Things that are much more important to me than dressing. And that's what I have to remind myself. I realize now that I need the occasional outlet and opportunity to dress. I have a whole weekend this spring - can't wait for that - meeting people in person, posting pics, the thrill in being out. But my life is such that it's going to have to be discreet and very occasional. And that brings me back full circle to my first point - which was that as you get older, there's a certain amount of acceptance you obtain with things in your life. Given those limitations, you try to be as happy as you can. And I am generally happy. Certainly things aren't perfect, but I can be generally happy with the way life is. And one thing is my sure... life will go on...
Thanks for reading my story. More topics to come - promise! -Amanda
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