Quick post early this Sunday morning in what I call my "time before the chaos" - that hour or so I have before my two preschool aged kids wake up and my wife and I are more or less required to be "on" for almost every second for the entire day. Exhausting? Absolutely. There have been many times have I fallen asleep in my kid's bed at 8:00 and woken up only to just walk to our bed and fall asleep. Do I fell jealousy as I look at FB and see all the girls out and having a good time? Absolutely - I've been very candid about it. But would much change even if my wife and family knew about Amanda and their reactions were supportive and positive and I had a bit more freedom? Sure, there may be a bit more Amanda time (which I would like very much) and a bit less sneaking around (which would help my conscience greatly), but otherwise I not sure that there would be.
Being me isn't about always being Amanda, or even being Amanda very often. I hear a lot of the "be yourself" comments from people in my few times out and certainly in my chats with different people. I get that and I support that. But "being yourself" means different things to everyone. And for me, Amanda is only a part of that. I enjoy many things outside of being Amanda, and I wouldn't want to diminish their role in my life even if I had that choice. In other words, even if I was "out" and didn't face any consequences or forced changes from my wife/family for being out, I'm not sure I would change much. And at my life stage, I just don't have the time or energy for it anyway!
I also like to keep Amanda compartmentalized and separate from the rest of my life. Again, many people in the community don't understand that desire for segregation. But it works for me. Amanda allows me to go to a different world for a bit. To put aside my concerns and worries and just live in the moment. Almost to become a different person. To anonymously experience the world and do things that I would never do as a guy. It's like a mini-vacation. We all love vacations and wish we could have them more often. But a vacation everyday gets to the point that it no longer feels like a vacation. And it just wouldn't feel right to me to interact with my wife, my kids, my parents, my friends, my work colleagues, and everyone else as Amanda. That separation helps me find the balance and sanity. I just wish there was more of it.
Despite what I promise to post, I really find that I do better when I write posts as I get inspired to do so. This morning I saw a video this morning during "chaos free hour" that really inspired me to write this, because my impression is that she feels that same way. Alexa Bliss articulates this much better than I do (and definitely is much, much, much more gorgeous), but I'm completely with her on this. So thank you for the inspiration Alexa.
Alexa's video is here:
https://www.facebook.com/alexablisscd/videos/vb.100013131901606/149306628850400/?type=2&theater
