I haven't mentioned this before, but I have been profiled in a book that another CD wrote on crossdressing in general and crossdressing couples in particular. The book chronicles that CD's journey with her own girlfriend and how other CDs have integrated their crossdressing into their relationships. There's lot of good tips and thoughts, and the book is a good resource for crossdressers and spouses trying to better understand crossdressing and integrate into their relationships - to whatever extent.
And then there's the chapter on the counterexample. I'm supposed to be the counterexample.
I'm the one who has the fairly typical CD backstory relative to everyone else, but I veer off because I haven't told my spouse. The chapter essentially says that I wish I had told my now wife at the beginning but I hadn't accepted my CD-ing myself and so didn't tell her. And that I still haven't told her because I'm concerned about the risk of how she'll react and the risk of losing everything that I've worked so hard for (and I don't just mean job and money, but also my wife and kids).
This is all true. I wrote my story for the author's research as opposed to conducting an interview, and what is said in the book is an accurate representation of my story. In fact, much of it is verbatim (or with light editing) from what I wrote. I read the chapter beforehand and agreed it could be included.
But the narrative around my story is in the chapter is a bit different. Instead of the counterexample, of someone who has made their life work without telling their wife, I'm really more of the example of what not to do. The one who everyone should try not to be. Look at how the others have incorporated CD-ing into their relationships. But not Amanda. She's chosen not to tell her wife. To keep a secret. To deny her "true self." Three of these things belong together, one of these things just doesn't belong. I'm the one who doesn't belong. The chapter ends effectively questioning the sustainability of me not telling my wife. As if the CD urges are going to get so strong that I'm going to be denying a huge portion of myself by not fully letting them or that her finding out is inevitable (I'll admit it's a risk, and one I worry about a lot - and I have not retort to the "accidental discovery" reason).
Remember the old iconic early 1990s Charles Barkley (former pro basketball player and frankly a hilarious individual) commercial for Nike where he says "I am not a role model?" (Here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gqk4WPnrpM) That's me - I am not a role model. At least that's what is implied by the book.
Inevitably, when I'm dressed around other CDs, the discussion turns to why I haven't told my wife. And I am lectured, pitied, and have been berated on why I haven't done so.
Yeah, I can't imagine why it's so hard to form relationships in the CD community (see my previous post).
So I guess I am not a role model.
But let's look at this from a different side. There are two issues that are discussed about why I shouldn't tell my wife. One, I'm keeping secrets from her. And two, and this tends to get more airtime, not telling her is keeping me from being my "true self." As if telling her would free me up to be Amanda more often - perhaps to be able to dress anytime I desired, dress at home, dress in front of the kids, etc.
Let's take these one at a time.
On the first issue, yes, I am keeping a secret. Keeping secrets from your spouse is generally incorrect. And the fact that EVERYBODY does it doesn't mean that it's right. But what does it mean to tell my wife? Doesn't it mean that I'm forcing her to share the secret - placing a burden on her? Am I really looking for a license to go out and be Amanda more often - even... gasp... whenever I'd like? I mean, am I telling my wife because it's "the right thing to do" or is the motive really more selfish in that it clears my conscience and allows me to dress up much more often (say there's the reasonably likely outcome, she doesn't support it, but recognizes it's part of me and so gives me space to do it alone). I suspect much of the answer is actually the latter instead of the former.
On the second issue, is being Amanda entirely being my "true self." But as I have said time and again, Amanda is part, but only a part, of my true self. I would like to see her more often, but limiting her gives more time for the other parts of my true self, the vast majority of which are in direct contrast to her.
I am a husband, a father, a person who is highly focused on his career and has worked his tail off to get where he is. I provide for my family's well-being. I pay my taxes. I have a job where I work hard, but ultimately help people live the life they won't so they won't be a burden on others, but can instead enjoy themselves and their family and friends. I spend most of my limited free time with my family. I do my best to be as good a father as I can be, trying to instill confidence in my kids, teaching them new things, taking them on new adventures, teaching them respect. I try to show this through example as much as anything. When you have kids, your first responsibility is to them. Not yourself. At least while they are in their formative years.
And you know what? All of that is part of my true self too.
I like being a husband, father, and having a challenging career. I am most definitely not perfect. No one is. But how would giving Amanda more time impact these things? Would the pink fog increase? Would I become so focused on Amanda that I start to neglect other aspects of my life? Would I not be seeing things clearly because of the fog? Because if there's nothing to constrain the fog, there's a fair chance it would grow. And grow. And grow. I can't say for certain, but that sure seems to be what often happens when I follow people's stories online.
To me, the risk is that you become your feminine self so often that the rest of your life becomes an after thought. And, while I don't have personal experience on this, from what I can gather, that becomes an issue quite often. Who does that benefit? Have I finally become my "true self?" Or I am so blinded by the pink fog that I realize that to realize one portion of my "true self" I have left a lot of pieces of my "true self" behind. And hurt a lot of people, the people I care most about, along the way. By the time I realized that, there's a good chance that it's too late to recapture the other parts of my "true self."
So no, I am not a role model. At least I'm not for those where CDing is the main thrust of their "true self." But the importance of crossdressing to that true self is different for every crossdresser. Everyone has their own path. And while I would like more Amanda time, I also know that that could lead to a lot of upsetting of other things in my life. In other words, keeping Amanda bottled up to a large extent may be the right thing. She's selfish, I've said so before. She needs to be controlled, or she could wreck everything else that is part of my true self.
And I have to think that there are others with CD tendencies feel the same way I do. So maybe, to end on the basketball analogy, telling your wife isn't a slam dunk. Maybe, at least to some extent, by telling my story in that book and pushing back on the "tell your wife" piece, I am a bit of a role model. Sorry Charles. I guess we both are.
