By Amanda C. Marks
Kind of a strange title for an essay right? Why do I like to be myself? It’s not a question that many people ponder - and those who do generally don’t like to be themselves. But for crossdressers, or at least for me, this is only one side of me so it actually makes a lot of sense. And when I consider the fact that it’s a real pain being Amanda - she’s expensive, very demanding, places risks on the other aspects of my life, and she lives in secret, it’s a very good question.
The short answer is that whether I want to be Amanda or not, I have to (or need to) be Amanda. She’s a part of me who needs to be expressed. So whether I like to be Amanda doesn’t matter - she’s there, she’s vocal, and she’s going to get her time one way or another. But I don’t view her as a pain. She brings certain things to me that I like. So let’s go into them.
Amanda allows me to express my feminine side, which is more powerful in me (and I would suspect other CDs) than in most males. She gives me some balance - a bit of yin to go with all the yang. That’s especially important as a CD. She allows me to enjoy things that only women can - the feel of being beautiful, the sensuality of silk and lace, the feel of heels and a tight dress, the power given to you by being desired. And I find that all of those things bring a sense of calmness. A sense of well-being. A sense of satisfaction in my world that carries over to my male side as long as Amanda periodically makes her appearance. My desire to be Amanda temporarily diminishes after I spend an day or so as her. Maybe it’s some of the escapism she brings, but I think that’s because the yin and yang are in greater balance. Balance is everything. As Mr. Miyagi said in Karate Kid, when balance is good, everything is good. When balance is bad, better pack up and go home.
Amanda allows a different persona to emerge - I do things I wouldn’t do and say things I wouldn’t say as Amanda. This is fun, but it also scares me the most about being Amanda. Amanda is more prone to take risks, more prone to flirt, more outgoing, more of a talker, and is (and this is what scares me) more liable to be caught up in the emotions of the moment. She is a shameless flirt and few things are more satisfying for her than affirming compliments. The fact that these (almost always) come from men and Amanda likes women doesn’t matter - they validate her. She things she is beautiful - being told she is beautiful, being desired by other people is in an odd way validating. It gives her self-confidence as the woman she is. And the more confidence she gets, the bolder she gets and more she is willing to turn up the heat. She says and does things I would never say and do in my male persona. Validation gives confidence and confidence gives power. She’s submissive sexually, but she knows that she has power over the men who desire her. The power of a woman over men is really strong and comes out in unique ways - something I’ve come to appreciate over time. But for Amanda, that power comes from the validation that she is beautiful, vibrant, and most of all, feminine. At which point the princess emerges.
Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit that I like the way Amanda makes me feel sexually. She turns me on, and I find it a turn on to be her. This has been the case before I even knew what it was. My sexuality is definitely tied up in her - in fact, she is the majority of my sexuality. That’s something I’ve struggled with for years and still do to some extent because it’s so outside of the norm of the rest of my life and things I like, which tend towards the masculine. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was a big part of it. I’ll leave why I’m wired the way I am for the psychoanalysts to figure out.
So there you - what I like about being Amanda in a nutshell. I could write a lot more detail, but I think you get the picture.
The End (of the Beginning)
