Yorktown - The World Turned Upside Down, or Lessons Learned from Real Time to Crossdress

So Amanda has hit her nirvana! It's Yorktown, Virginia in 1781: the world turned upside down! After years of not being able to dress, of watching her clothes waste in a (hopefully) weather sealed package in an old barn, Amanda is living alone. A time to dress! A time to express! What could be better? Hence the post last week - a chance to see what I have, and what I'm missing. A chance to try on different outfits! A chance to finally practice and hence learn about how to do makeup!

But, as always, the question is, now what???

Thankfully, and I'll get to why in a bit (lesson 3), the circumstances that brought this about are strange and aren't repeatable. I found a new job. In a new city. Which means I'm away from my family. So it's a strange, (hopefully) unrepeatable opportunity. And I intend to take full advantage. I already am.

But in the process, I'm learning a few things about myself. About where Amanda fits into the rest of me (I know, I am Amanda, Amanda is me, but, to in apologies to a bad 1980s movie, she ain't all of me, and that's the core lesson that I've learned. More that I've learned:

1. Clear days lead to very thick pink fog. When you deny something for a long time, when you let it go, it can get a bit out of control. I believe that most things in life are cyclical. This is because the excess, complacency, and greed in the good times sow the seeds of their own destruction. But shortage and fear in the bad times also do the same thing, creating the focus, drive, and creativity needed to get back on track. I'm now seeing this cyclicality in CDing. Starvation and inability to dress creates a thick pink fog that I'm in the midst of. Denial creates excess. Two sub-lessons: A. Be careful to not do something you will regret. B. Try and figure out a way to reduce the cyclicality to make the pink fog less thick. Neither is easy. 

2. I love dressing, and I love being Amanda. I can't think of much else more relaxing than to express the feminine side of me (AKA Amanda). Not only the joy of being dressed, but the joy of being treated as a woman - as a lady. I do relish it. Amanda is my escape from the responsibility, my way to unbridled joy, and frankly, a huge rush. I love dressing and looking pretty. I love the way I'm treated. The feminine side of me is strong, and it's something to be accepted and embraced.

3. But there are much, much, much more important things in my life, and the risk of losing them vastly outweighs the opportunity to be Amanda more often. The overriding emotion of being here, by myself, however, is one of loneliness and loss. Not having my wife here, not having my family here - it hurts immensely. Depression, which is something I've struggled with my whole life, is always right there. I hate not having them here. I hate the being alone, even if I can see them every weekend (or sometimes every other weekend). My family is my life. It is my core. It is my reason for being. And the opportunity to be Amanda does not compensate for that. This is my key lesson. The balance easily goes too far the other way. And I have to be very careful that the pink fog doesn't cloud that realization.

That said, it's great to take pics. It's great to dress. It's great to start to learn some makeup so that I'm not completely dependent on others and can expand the (highly limited) opportunities to dress. I do hope to take advantage of this opportunity to dress over the next couple of months. I'm not sure what happens after that, but if there's nothing else that Amanda had taught me, it's carpe diem!!! I can't wait to dress some more!

Snow day = Inventory Day!

Snow day and time alone =…. Wait for it… finally an opportunity to take inventory! A chance to see my whole collection. What I have, what my takes are, and what I’m missing and need to fill in over time. My comments are posted in each item where they are "comment-worthy"!

I'd love your thoughts!!!! Pics to be posted later on Flickr/Facebook. So without further ado… let’s begin!

Tops: 5. 3 sweaters: 2 black and 1 white. 2 tops I wouldn’t wear anywhere. I need more tops. Tops also give flexibility and are better at covering things I don’t want seen, I’ve found.

Shorts: 3. 2 pink, 1 black. 1 is a pair of gym shorts. Err… I woudn’t wear these out anywhere (except maybe one), blush!

Non-formal dresses: 14 (wow). 1 of which doesn’t fit (the chance you take when you order on Amazon). Variety of colors. I try to get stuff with sleeves and high necklines to hide giveaways. Unfortunately, this greatly limits my choices. 2 of the dresses are sweater dresses that are short enough they could be worn as tops with leggings, a look I've thought about.

Formal dresses: 8 (again, wow). 5 black. 1 red. 1 blue. 1 pink. 1 doesn’t fit (my favorite of them all - so much that I took a chance on something I guess probably wouldn't fit in the hope it would – SAD!) 3 are long gowns. 3 are A-line dresses. 2 are above the knee dresses (one may be too short). 2 are ones I would never wear out (possibly 3 if that one is too short).

Skirts: 3. All pink. I need skirts. One skater skirt. One mini-skirt. One longer pencil skirt.

Jackets/jacket-type sweaters: 3. 1 pink jacket. 2 black sweaters.

Stockings: 2 sets. Both black. I need different colors and styles.

Pantyhose/tights: 8 pairs. 4 nude, 2 black, and 2 white.

Heels: 8 pairs. 6 are scandalously high and I can’t wear them too long. 1 is somewhat high. 1 pair I can wear all night. Need to get a little more practical here, but I do so love high heels! 2 nude, 1 white, 1 white and pink, 4 black. 4 open toed, 4 close toed.

Flats: 2. Black. And they aren’t real flats. They’re the folding flats for when you’re heels hurt too much. I need flats.

Boots: 0. I love them, but they take up a lot of space and are hard to store in the space I do have.

Running shoes: 1 pair. Black and hot pink (what else?). And I actually ran two miles in them once. They’re really comfortable – wish I could run in them all the time!

Bustiers: 2. 1 pink and 1 black/purple. Need more for the stockings I'm going to buy! ;-)

Nighties: 2. 1 silky and pink and 1 blue mesh. I want a long silky nightgown.

Kimono robes: 1. Silky and pink to match the pink nightie.

Sleepshirts: 1. Pink with flowers. Love the way it feels.

Corsets: 1. Black. Love it.

Gloves: 2. Both black. For formal occasions.

Pants: 4. All black (oops). One pair of workout/yoga pants and 3 pairs of leggings. Need more variety here, though clearly, I’m not a pants gal!

Swimsuit: 1. Hot pink. Would never wear it in front of anyone.

Bras: 13 (thank you Amazon for six packs!). Variety of colors. 1 athletic bra. 1 pocket bra (a great purchase). 2 strapless bras. 9 “traditional” bras, of which 1 doesn’t fit.

Panties: 24 (again thank you Amazon for six packs). Mostly bikini variety. Generally silky, lacy, or if cotton with hearts on them and such. 1 pair of panties with padding. 1 pair of ruffled panties just for fun.

Petticoats: 2. And they both are terrible. One short and one six hoop long petticoat. Neither with crinoline and frills. Learned a lesson here.

Pocketbooks: 1. Pink, white, and black (what else). Big enough to carry a pair of heels.

Wallet: 1. Black and boring.

Wigs: 2. Blond. Need a little variety here but I don’t have a great way to store these so I hesitate to spend money on these. Also, I have somehow lost my wig revitalizing spray (grrr).

Breastforms: 1 pair. And they’re really not very good. Has anyone tried that breastplate that covers your whole chest? Thoughts? I’d like one to add flexibility to what I wear but I don’t want to spend that type of money unless I know I’ll get something good.

Jewelry: 1 bracelet, 1 pair of earrings, 1 necklace, which is tangled beyond all get out (after hours of work by people at the 2016 Femmefever Gala ball).