So, I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what to say about the ultimate Amanda weekend. A month later, I admit I’m still struggling.
I’m struggling because there are so many emotions. Powerful emotions. I loved it. I loved the time in public as Amanda. I loved the interactions with so many people. I loved - I loved living in the world as Amanda. I loved being the center of attention at times. I loved the authenticity, the expression. When you have had to hide a part of yourself for over 40 years and all of a sudden you’re able to express it. Not in fleeting moments where you’re looking at a clock because of time constraints or looking out the window in case someone comes home or worried someone is going to catch me on a site online or somehow see my Internet history, or, heaven forbid, stumble across Amanda online. But over the course of days. Without limitations. Without looking over my shoulder.
I loved the pure, unadulterated joy I experienced. I can’t remember feeling like this. E-V-E-R. Is this what it’s like to be fulfilled? To be happy? To be totally honest about a part of myself I have N-E-V-E-R been able to be honest about - including with myself? Is this just the rush of expressing a part of myself in that manner that it has never been expressed? Is it all of the above? Or is it more - is this who I’m supposed to be? And what does that mean for everything else?
I knew this weekend was going to be big for me. I was a little nervous - it seemed too perfect - something had to go wrong. And something did, but it was a very minor thing (that I probably overreacted to because I wanted so much for things to be so perfect). But not the big things that I was worried could happen - the way I catastrophize things all the time. Why do I do that? I fell into that big time the DAY BEFORE THE WEEKEND with an angry, ranting, raw meltdown post that captured how I was feeling. And that’s how I feel so often. Like I’m falling apart and holding my life together by a string and a prayer to a God that I ultimately see as indifferent to suffering - to my suffering. Why can’t I be present and live in the moment? Well this weekend I was present. I did live in the moment. I was authentically me. Authentically Amanda a lot of the time. Authentically “Connor” some of the time too. And dammit, I loved it. I loved both parts of it. I’ll focus on the Amanda aspects of it, but recognize that “Connor” had his time alone, in nature, being able to breathe too. He got what he needed from that aspect. And Amanda gave him - gave me because we’re all one person of course - a whole bunch too.
I could talk about experiences, but it’s really the people - the connections - that make a good weekend into the best-est E-V-E-R. Y’all are awesome. I can’t thank you enough for how you helped me, consciously or not. To name a few specifically:
- Clare. Clare you are just amazing. The Wig Goddess. The dream maker. The awesome-est person E-V-E-R. So accepting. So full of love. So authentically you. No apologies for that. That’s so awesome. A fierce warrior who fiercely defends her tribe. I stumbled across Clare last year as I was hoping for some Amanda time during a “back to nature” weekend alone, and we had a wonderful time together. You brought out Amanda - big time. An awesome photoshoot. And then we went out. To the State House. I was standing at a state house as Amanda. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined I’d end up there as Amanda. And we went out and had nachos. And the nachos were frickin’ awesome. The day was frickin’ awesome. But this year - this weekend… well, this weekend we topped last year. Not one, but two photo shoots. Back to the State House, but also out to a nice, awesome restaurant - and I think the incredible food there may have been even better than the nachos. We had some deep conversations on those state house steps - I told you things I don’t tell people. You see and recognize things in me I didn’t know where there. Some of them I still don’t understand. Life is short. Eat the fuckin’ cheesecake. Every fuckin’ bite of it.
- JANNA. My sister. My BFF. I stumbled across JANNA several months ago as I was looking for someone who had the same appreciation for Clare that I do. And I’m so glad I found you. You appreciate Clare as much as I do. JANNA and I clicked so much initially chatting that I did something I never do - I met in guy mode. We met three times in guy mode before finally doing that first photoshoot together and we just—clicked. This weekend, we finally got to spend time together in girl mode. And it was even better - if that’s possible. We had a photoshoot, together, with Clare that was just incredible. A day I’ll never forget. We went out to “normie” (quotes very much emphasized) places and you OWNED IT even when I sort of cautiously stepped in - you gave me the confidence to do what I never would have done by myself. I certainly never would have driven to Gorgeous if it wasn’t for you, but I’m so glad I did. And then we got to spend the second photoshoot together - with you snapping casual pics while Clare did her thing - and talked for hours - both at the shoot and then out for dinner and to a bar afterwards. It was so awesome - everything I could have hoped for and then some. You are generous to a fault. I owe you so much - the next 12 meals need to be on me. But I owe you more than that because of what you’ve shown me and given me. You have embraced JANNA and are LIVING it. When we started out talking, I was telling you things - events I knew about (but mostly haven’t been able to attend), tips I had learned, people I had interacted with online or in real life who seemed to be nice, worthwhile people. You’ve leaned in hard, found out a bunch of things on your own, made a ton of friends (you are SO good at that), and now you are the one teaching me so many things - both with your words and how you live. I love how you live and your approach to life - hopefully one day I’ll get there - or at least move more in the that direction. I loved our time together - and I can’t wait for more.
- Veronica. Sweetie. Our time together as Gorgeous was so much fun. You are unapologetically you, and I love that. You’re not afraid to be different in a community that’s different from the “normies” but where there is still pressure to conform within the community. You have an edge to you - a bit of sarcasm, a recognition of some of the things in the community that can be a little silly that you’ll roll your eyes at. It’s hilarious. And you have passion - a lot of passion even when you play it cool. You make me smile and laugh. And you make me melt some. I had a blast with you. Can’t wait to see you again, Sweetie.
- Kylie - Authentically you - in all ways and to all people. Incredible especially given what you do. We met in 2019 before a Femmefever party and have stayed in touch off and on since. It’s was so awesome to see you in person for the first time since that party. You made me feel really special. I can’t to see you again - it’s won’t be six years next time!
So many others - too numerous to name - people I met on the State House event, people I met at Gorgeous, people I met out and about, people I didn’t meet but saw out and about who let me be me without the awkward looks or whispers. Thank you all.
The Question of Sustainability - or What to Do Next
So let’s sum it up short and sweet. It was a wonderful weekend with a lot of Amanda time - and Amanda was able to spread her wings publicly. It wonderful to experience so much of the “real world” as Amanda. While there were some nerves for sure, I quickly moved past those and I absolutely had a blast. I had wonderful people in my corner who accepted - indeed encouraged - me to be me. All awesome. Very awesome.
As it is so often in my job, in my life, the question is “now what?” I’ve said Amanda tends to be feast or famine - and most of the time it’s famine. So how do I carry the “feast” through the “famine” times and get closer to that always elusive balance - that I’ve been writing about since I started this blog almost 10 years ago? What does that even mean or look like?
What it doesn’t look like at this point is sharing Amanda more openly with the people who know me as my male self (“Connor” is the name I’ve been using for that). And that’s a huge limitation. But Amanda is a part of me - a very significant part. To deny that part of me the ability to breathe is like removing half my heart. It just doesn’t work. So there has to be someway… somehow… right?
I’ve been doing a lot of introspection (and a fair amount of therapy) on what Amanda means, and, while I don’t know whether this will work, I do have a thought. I’ve talked before about setting rigid boundaries between Amanda and my guy side. That’s been the case for years. Those boundaries were set long ago - way back in childhood - when I quickly recognized that “Amanda” (unnamed at the time - it was only around 2006 that “Amanda” was named) would be unacceptable in the world I grew up in. I also saw that there were ways that people in various gender roles acted. Many of the men were more serious, more stern, quieter, more apt to blend into the background, basically the rock of their family. I emulated a LOT of that - I’m sure some of it was natural and is truly a part of who I am, but some of it was learning the “right” way to act - and, as I’ve done most of my life, meeting the expectations (or at least what I perceived to be the expectations) of those around me. In doing so, I think I cordoned off chunks of my personality that - even though they aren’t inherently feminine - I saw as more associated with women. And they got associated with Amanda. It’s only by spending time as Amanda and interacting with others that I’ve come to recognize this.
So maybe the answer of how to honor Amanda when I can’t express Amanda is to express some of these personality traits in my everyday life. To bring a little Amanda into Connor’s world - all the time. So what are those traits that Amanda has and Connor doesn’t that could be integrated into everyday life?
Extroversion
Being more present or “living in the moment” instead of thinking so much about the past or the future
A more happy, less negative or cynical disposition and approach to life
A willingness to dream and be less grounded
A less serious approach to life and an approach that looks for the fun and humor in a situation
The irony of all of this is I think it would help make me a better person. These are by and large positive traits. By repressing Amanda and her personality traits, I’ve actually made myself more distant, less in the moment, more socially awkward, and less empathetic. Would bringing more of this into my everyday life give me the balance I need? Can I do this consistently even when I can’t express Amanda for extended periods of time? I don’t know - but it seems like a good experiment to try.
Time will tell what I take away from this experience and how it shapes me. But I know it was a profound time that I won’t soon - or ever - forget. Thank you to those who made it special. And thank you to Amanda - to me (yes I’m thanking myself) - for finally taking the steps to make it happen.
All my love to all of you.
