Why I'm stepping back. If Amanda is alone in the woods, says good-bye, and no one hears it, has she really said good-bye?

Amanda is stepping back. Not disappearing, mind you. But taking a pretty big step back. There's a variety of reasons for this. But at its core, it comes down to what's most important in life and what Amanda can give me. She was given the opportunity to be out there, a bit more visible. A chance to talk to more people and try to make friends. And that hasn't - she hasn't brought the meaning that I had hoped it/she would. In the meantime, my other relationships - my real life relationships - the ones that should matter most, have suffered somewhat. My work has suffered to an extent as well. There's only so much one person can do, one person can focus on. When the things that start to matter most get neglected, it means it's time to step back from (again, not away from) the things that matter less.

There's the old relationship breakup adage - it's not you, it's me. And maybe it is me. You see, I have lots of difficulty forming close relationships as a male. I'm guarded, I'm self-conscious, I'm introverted, I just don't let people in. I'm not good at small talk. I don't let my sense of humor shine through often. And it takes a while to let people in. For most people, it's probably not worth the effort.

I was hopeful Amanda could overcome these things. She's more chatty, more extroverted, more confident. She's more light-hearted in general. And because she's female - and in a few pics at least somewhat attractive, people are much more likely to at least start a conversation with her. She's less likely to fade into the background.

That's all true. What hasn't happened is that Amanda hasn't formed those deeper friendships.
Maybe it's being closeted and having one foot in and one foot out of the community. Maybe there's something that's off-putting about me. Maybe it's something I said - or something I didn't say. That's something for further internal study and reflection by myself. But, at least for now, the outcome is that same.

There's precisely one ongoing friendship that is developing right now. One person who I'll still talk too. There is one person who reached out in my good bye post. One. There are lots of people - male and TG (and even one or two females) that I have chatted with since Amanda first posted pics in August of 2015. Those interactions seem to come and go. And they have basically gone. It hasn't happened at once - it's more a revolving door of people coming and going over time. But it's pretty quiet in here. If Amanda is alone in the woods, says good-bye, and no one hears it, has she really said good-bye? I think so.

So beyond my own internal shortcomings, which are very apparent to me, are there structural issues within the community that make it difficult to form relationships? I think that broadly speaking, there are three groups within the TG community:

1. Those who are transitioning - or at least want to transition. They feel like they have always been a woman or have come to a realization that they are a woman. They are becoming women to be their "true self." This group has a way of growing over time, bringing in more people who originally thought they were CDs. They have different goals and priorities from dressing than the other groups because the "dressing" is ultimately meant to be a permanent expression of oneself. Not me - definitely not me.

2. Those who dress for sexual reasons. Most of us started in this group. And for many, while the sexual aspects of dressing may wane over time, I don't think that it fully goes away. They like to look feminine, like to post pics that are sexy (may or may not be explicit), appreciate the comments affirming that they are hot, but wouldn't want to be feminine all of the time. I admit to all of this. But the problem with this group, or at least my problem with it, is that it's simply too centered on the sexual for meaningful relationships to form. It's ironic in that there's a sort of masculine focus on the sexual aspects while the more feminine focus on building relationships before sex simply isn't there. And this is where it falls apart for me. Even in my male form, I've always wanted to form relationships before ongoing sex (which is actually pretty feminine). Sex without relationships feels great in the moment, but that's all it is. A moment. And then it's gone. And it can be empty afterwards. That's what I've felt after those hook-ups that we all had back in college or wherever. And that's what I feel now. You post a few pics, get a few affirming comments. A few reaching out to you telling you how hot you are. And then... nothing. It's a very unfulfilling experience beyond those fleeting moments. And I've decided it's simply not enough for me.

3. The advocates. Those who have decided that they are going to make the Trans community more visible, more accepted. This can be overtly political or it can take the form of simply being out and about. Regardless, the goal is to make a statement to the world. Trans is okay. Trans is beautiful. Trans is not the freak show that many think it is. God bless these people. The work that they are doing ultimately makes it easier for the rest of us by making Trans, in whatever form, more mainstream. They are pioneers going down the Oregon Trail but building the interstate highway along the way. Trips in the future will be easier and safer because they are out there. But, it's not me. It can't be because I'm closeted and it wouldn't be if I wasn't. I'm simply not comfortable being a pioneer in this regard.

What's missing? Those who hope to use dressing to build the relationships. To have friendships, to meet others for lunch. To laugh. To support each other. To have those relationships that many women have with one another. Is there some of that? Yes, I know there is. I see it in some things that are posted online. But there's not a lot. And I don't think it's a focus of any of the three groups above. But it's my focus. And without it, dressing feels empty and hollow. Something that I'll do once in a while because I have an innate need to bring Amanda out. But once that itch is scratched, that's it. Because there's nothing else there. That makes me profoundly sad, but it is what it is. And whether it's me or the community, it's my reality (and reality is to a large extent personal).

So this is a long winded way of saying that Amanda has failed in what I most hoped she would bring. And if anything, she's made things worse in that aspect of the rest of my life by taking time and energy away from other relationships. It's time to step back (not away, but back).

My sincere best to all of you - right now, for 2020, and in the future.