So Amanda has hit her nirvana! It's Yorktown, Virginia in 1781: the world turned upside down! After years of not being able to dress, of watching her clothes waste in a (hopefully) weather sealed package in an old barn, Amanda is living alone. A time to dress! A time to express! What could be better? Hence the post last week - a chance to see what I have, and what I'm missing. A chance to try on different outfits! A chance to finally practice and hence learn about how to do makeup!
But, as always, the question is, now what???
Thankfully, and I'll get to why in a bit (lesson 3), the circumstances that brought this about are strange and aren't repeatable. I found a new job. In a new city. Which means I'm away from my family. So it's a strange, (hopefully) unrepeatable opportunity. And I intend to take full advantage. I already am.
But in the process, I'm learning a few things about myself. About where Amanda fits into the rest of me (I know, I am Amanda, Amanda is me, but, to in apologies to a bad 1980s movie, she ain't all of me, and that's the core lesson that I've learned. More that I've learned:
1. Clear days lead to very thick pink fog. When you deny something for a long time, when you let it go, it can get a bit out of control. I believe that most things in life are cyclical. This is because the excess, complacency, and greed in the good times sow the seeds of their own destruction. But shortage and fear in the bad times also do the same thing, creating the focus, drive, and creativity needed to get back on track. I'm now seeing this cyclicality in CDing. Starvation and inability to dress creates a thick pink fog that I'm in the midst of. Denial creates excess. Two sub-lessons: A. Be careful to not do something you will regret. B. Try and figure out a way to reduce the cyclicality to make the pink fog less thick. Neither is easy.
2. I love dressing, and I love being Amanda. I can't think of much else more relaxing than to express the feminine side of me (AKA Amanda). Not only the joy of being dressed, but the joy of being treated as a woman - as a lady. I do relish it. Amanda is my escape from the responsibility, my way to unbridled joy, and frankly, a huge rush. I love dressing and looking pretty. I love the way I'm treated. The feminine side of me is strong, and it's something to be accepted and embraced.
3. But there are much, much, much more important things in my life, and the risk of losing them vastly outweighs the opportunity to be Amanda more often. The overriding emotion of being here, by myself, however, is one of loneliness and loss. Not having my wife here, not having my family here - it hurts immensely. Depression, which is something I've struggled with my whole life, is always right there. I hate not having them here. I hate the being alone, even if I can see them every weekend (or sometimes every other weekend). My family is my life. It is my core. It is my reason for being. And the opportunity to be Amanda does not compensate for that. This is my key lesson. The balance easily goes too far the other way. And I have to be very careful that the pink fog doesn't cloud that realization.
That said, it's great to take pics. It's great to dress. It's great to start to learn some makeup so that I'm not completely dependent on others and can expand the (highly limited) opportunities to dress. I do hope to take advantage of this opportunity to dress over the next couple of months. I'm not sure what happens after that, but if there's nothing else that Amanda had taught me, it's carpe diem!!! I can't wait to dress some more!
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