I am a highly "left brained" person - very analytical, practical, logical, numbers oriented, etc. I've never considered myself creative, or very driven by emotion (although I do struggle with my temper sometimes), or artistic, or many of the other things associated with the right brain. While being left brain dominant can be good for practicality, responsibility, and keeping your feet planted on the ground instead of in the clouds, it can also have its downsides. For one, you can be a worrier (which I am) which can lead to paralysis and unnecessary risk aversion (which it often does for me). But the biggest downside in my view is that you often don't get to express yourself and your needs that are important to your well-being, whether they be emotional, aspirational, or spiritual. And if you don't express yourself, you aren't feeding your soul what it needs to feel complete. Eventually, you stop speaking the same language as your soul. When that happens, you don't know what it is you need to feel complete. And that can leave you empty, hollow, and a bit bitter and frustrated as you are doing more surviving than living. I admit that I feel that a lot - most of the time actually.
If you ask a kid what they want, they know it. And they'll tell you. If they are young enough, like my kids, they'll scream and throw tantrums about it, not caring what anyone else thinks. Over time, we teach them that that's not proper behavior. And it isn't. Some restraint is a good thing and is necessary for society to function. But stifling the ability to express themselves, leads to unintended consequences. I think the biggest is that many people lose sight of who they are and what they need. Ask an adult what they want, and they often simply don't know. Or at least they can't express it. They know that what they want/need is deeper now than it was as a kid, but that's not the point. My point is that a byproduct of not expressing ourselves is that we also forget what makes us us. We suppress ourselves and our wants and needs to the point that we don't know ourselves anymore. At least that's how I often feel. I'm not sure I can tell someone who I am because I don't know. And as I sit on yet another late train (over an hour this time because of a tree branch that fell four hours ago - really?), all of these thoughts are reinforced.
I try to look for outlets to express what my soul needs. I have five I can think of. Writing is one - the reasons above are the main reasons I started this blog. The outdoors is number two. Being in nature and enjoying the solitude in the way the world originally was is serene and fulfilling. The third is sports, particularly the nostalgia associated with baseball, which I wrote about previously. The fourth is music. Playing guitar, singing, even hearing the right chords gives me a feeling of fulfillment and often brings out emotion that would otherwise stay buried inside of me. And then fifth, of course, there is Amanda, who probably personifies the right brain side of me as much as anything. When I'm Amanda, I'm not weighed down by all of this. I can be in the moment and just be. It's a very enriching feeling, though I'm not sure I'd feel that way if I was able to dress all of the time.
Combining any two of those is very powerful on my emotions - almost like drinking fulfillment out of a fire hose. I experienced that a few weeks ago as Amanda had her first public experience and I got caught up in the sports nostalgia of my youth shortly thereafter. But most experiences are much smaller. Yesterday, running on a treadmill and hearing a song brought out some of that emotion.
Song lyrics are supposedly poetry set to music. Admittedly, it's quite often very bad poetry - and quite often bad music too. Still, what I do like about poetry is that there's a certain amount of room for interpretation. Even if the author meant it in a certain way, there's room to interpret it differently and apply it to your own situation. That personalizes the song, and makes it much more powerful.
When I heard the song lyrics below, I felt like it expressed a lot of these thoughts. I can see a conversation inside of me between Amanda and my male side with these lyrics. A pleading to listen to each side. A pleading to not let one side to destroy the other. A pleading for balance for the mind and for the soul. It's an odd dance I do sometimes. I have soul, but I have to soldier on. And so I do.
When There's Nowhere Else To Run
Is There Room For One More Son
One More Son
If You Can Hold On
If You Can Hold On, Hold On
I Wanna Stand Up, I Wanna Let Go
You Know, You Know - No You Don't, You Don't
I Wanna Shine On In The Hearts Of Men
I Wanna Mean It From The Back Of My Broken Hand
Another Head Aches, Another Heart Breaks
I Am So Much Older Than I Can Take
And My Affection, Well It Comes And Goes
I Need Direction To Perfection, No No No No
Help Me Out
Yeah, You Know You Got To Help Me Out
Yeah, Oh Don't You Put Me On The Back Burner
You Know You Got To Help Me Out
And When There's Nowhere Else To Run
Is There Room For One More Son
These Changes Ain't Changing Me
The Gold-hearted Boy I Used To Be
Yeah, You Know You Got To Help Me Out
Yeah, Oh Don't You Put Me On The Back Burner
You Know You Got To Help Me Out
You're Gonna Bring Yourself Down
Yeah, You're Gonna Bring Yourself Down
Yeah, You're Gonna Bring Yourself Down
[x10]
I Got Soul, But I'm Not A Soldier
I Got Soul, But I'm Not A Soldier
Yeah, You Know You Got To Help Me Out
Yeah, Oh Don't You Put Me On The Back Burner
You Know You Got To Help Me Out
You're Gonna Bring Yourself Down
You're Gonna Bring Yourself Down
Yeah, Oh Don't You Put Me On The Back Burner
You're Gonna Bring Yourself Down
Yeah, You're Gonna Bring Yourself Down
Over And In, Last Call For Sin
While Everyone's Lost, The Battle Is Won
With All These Things That I've Done
All These Things That I've Done
If You Can Hold On
If You Can Hold On
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sZTpLvsYYHw
No comments:
Post a Comment