Back into Hiding and the Need for Validation

So the world has turned right side up again. That means Amanda goes back into hiding. She is packed safely away at an undisclosed, non-descript storage facility as I will be with my family again. What have I learned from this experience? And where do I go next on this journey?

1. Amanda can stand on her own two (high heeled) feet better than I gave myself credit for. I finally had the opportunity to learn to do makeup. While I still don't have the shades right and there's a lot of work to do (the makeup done by Karen at Femmefever versus my own in recent pics is night and day), with practice, I'm confident I could get much better. And I showed my pics after having done my makeup. That's a big step for me.
2. Amanda can be an enormous use of time... There's nothing more I love than being dressed, but dressing takes a lot of effort and time, which is just something I haven't had a lot of. She's also quite a use of money, and with a credit card and access to Amazon has accumulated a pretty sizeable wardrobe that is pretty silly given how often most things get worn.
3. ... which means that I have devoted less time to being Amanda despite the opportunities. Some of it is sheer exhaustion. I'm really burning both ends in my male life, and despite the opportunity to dress, as time went on, I really didn't have the energy for it. That was okay at the moment, because for me, dressing is something I need to do to get it "out of my system" and feel that balance for a bit. I've found even when I have the entire weekend alone to dress, I don't spend the whole time dressed.
4. God love her, but Amanda is, frankly, a very demanding woman and a bit of a spoiled brat when she doesn't get her way. When she isn't expressed, she stomps her heeled foot and screams - louder and louder. But as long as she is placated with periodic dressing opportunities, she is quiet and generally happy. As the no dressing intervals increase, I'm going to question why I didn't dress more during this period. It was just that at the time, I didn't need it. But having the opportunity was wonderful.
5. Amanda has a need for validation... There was a line in Mad Men, where Don Draper (while pitching cigarettes) said that advertising is really about telling you that whatever it is you're doing, it's okay. That's what Amanda wants - that's what we all want I think. I'm not going to lie here, some of this need for validation (okay quite a bit) is sexual. Amanda wants to be seen as a woman, and she feels sexier than she looks when dolled up which can make her...err... a bit sluttish. I love looking in the mirror and seeing her. And the reason that I post pictures is not only to see them myself and remember the times, but to get that validation from others - that Amanda is okay and that I look good. I'm straight, but I liked being talked to sexy and treated as Amanda by a man (or a woman for that matter - but let's be honest, not many women have a thing for CDs). I have fantasies about being taken out on a date with a man (though I still don't think I could do anything sexual with a man). Why? I think it's because it validates Amanda as a woman. As someone who is desired, wanted, thought of as a woman. And beyond the sex aspect of it, that validation means getting out a bit, being Amanda, and being thought of as Amanda. Hence the trip to CDI a couple of weeks ago when I got the chance. It's very satisfying, and it fills Amanda's cup for a time.
6. ...that need for validation scares me because it means taking risks with the rest of my life. It means that Amanda is willing to go out to places where she doesn't know anyone in order to be treated as Amanda. It means she's willing to post pics on all sort of sites Internet (though no nudes), shamelessly flirt and tease, and allow people to say things to her that I would never allow to be said to me in male mode. I'm not particularly proud of the way Amanda behaves sometimes... it's just that the need for validation is so strong. It's part of why no one on my male side knows about Amanda... bad enough that I have hidden the CDing from them, but then the way Amanda acts... well, I'm not sure about that reaction and what they'd think either, and probably justifiably so. This increases the magnitude of the risk I'm taking, and it also makes me that much more determined to keep Amanda hidden, which means that a lot of this won't change.
7. What changes? Not much. Amanda isn't going away, and she is going to continue to fight for her place at the table. But quite often she's going to be kept away from the table because she is just so different from everything else. Periodically, she will storm in and take over the place, creating an Amanda overload that takes over so I can get my fill. She'll remain hidden for the foreseeable future, but she'll be a part of me. And I - Amanda - will continue to walk the journey one (heeled) step at a time.

Yorktown - The World Turned Upside Down, or Lessons Learned from Real Time to Crossdress

So Amanda has hit her nirvana! It's Yorktown, Virginia in 1781: the world turned upside down! After years of not being able to dress, of watching her clothes waste in a (hopefully) weather sealed package in an old barn, Amanda is living alone. A time to dress! A time to express! What could be better? Hence the post last week - a chance to see what I have, and what I'm missing. A chance to try on different outfits! A chance to finally practice and hence learn about how to do makeup!

But, as always, the question is, now what???

Thankfully, and I'll get to why in a bit (lesson 3), the circumstances that brought this about are strange and aren't repeatable. I found a new job. In a new city. Which means I'm away from my family. So it's a strange, (hopefully) unrepeatable opportunity. And I intend to take full advantage. I already am.

But in the process, I'm learning a few things about myself. About where Amanda fits into the rest of me (I know, I am Amanda, Amanda is me, but, to in apologies to a bad 1980s movie, she ain't all of me, and that's the core lesson that I've learned. More that I've learned:

1. Clear days lead to very thick pink fog. When you deny something for a long time, when you let it go, it can get a bit out of control. I believe that most things in life are cyclical. This is because the excess, complacency, and greed in the good times sow the seeds of their own destruction. But shortage and fear in the bad times also do the same thing, creating the focus, drive, and creativity needed to get back on track. I'm now seeing this cyclicality in CDing. Starvation and inability to dress creates a thick pink fog that I'm in the midst of. Denial creates excess. Two sub-lessons: A. Be careful to not do something you will regret. B. Try and figure out a way to reduce the cyclicality to make the pink fog less thick. Neither is easy. 

2. I love dressing, and I love being Amanda. I can't think of much else more relaxing than to express the feminine side of me (AKA Amanda). Not only the joy of being dressed, but the joy of being treated as a woman - as a lady. I do relish it. Amanda is my escape from the responsibility, my way to unbridled joy, and frankly, a huge rush. I love dressing and looking pretty. I love the way I'm treated. The feminine side of me is strong, and it's something to be accepted and embraced.

3. But there are much, much, much more important things in my life, and the risk of losing them vastly outweighs the opportunity to be Amanda more often. The overriding emotion of being here, by myself, however, is one of loneliness and loss. Not having my wife here, not having my family here - it hurts immensely. Depression, which is something I've struggled with my whole life, is always right there. I hate not having them here. I hate the being alone, even if I can see them every weekend (or sometimes every other weekend). My family is my life. It is my core. It is my reason for being. And the opportunity to be Amanda does not compensate for that. This is my key lesson. The balance easily goes too far the other way. And I have to be very careful that the pink fog doesn't cloud that realization.

That said, it's great to take pics. It's great to dress. It's great to start to learn some makeup so that I'm not completely dependent on others and can expand the (highly limited) opportunities to dress. I do hope to take advantage of this opportunity to dress over the next couple of months. I'm not sure what happens after that, but if there's nothing else that Amanda had taught me, it's carpe diem!!! I can't wait to dress some more!

Snow day = Inventory Day!

Snow day and time alone =…. Wait for it… finally an opportunity to take inventory! A chance to see my whole collection. What I have, what my takes are, and what I’m missing and need to fill in over time. My comments are posted in each item where they are "comment-worthy"!

I'd love your thoughts!!!! Pics to be posted later on Flickr/Facebook. So without further ado… let’s begin!

Tops: 5. 3 sweaters: 2 black and 1 white. 2 tops I wouldn’t wear anywhere. I need more tops. Tops also give flexibility and are better at covering things I don’t want seen, I’ve found.

Shorts: 3. 2 pink, 1 black. 1 is a pair of gym shorts. Err… I woudn’t wear these out anywhere (except maybe one), blush!

Non-formal dresses: 14 (wow). 1 of which doesn’t fit (the chance you take when you order on Amazon). Variety of colors. I try to get stuff with sleeves and high necklines to hide giveaways. Unfortunately, this greatly limits my choices. 2 of the dresses are sweater dresses that are short enough they could be worn as tops with leggings, a look I've thought about.

Formal dresses: 8 (again, wow). 5 black. 1 red. 1 blue. 1 pink. 1 doesn’t fit (my favorite of them all - so much that I took a chance on something I guess probably wouldn't fit in the hope it would – SAD!) 3 are long gowns. 3 are A-line dresses. 2 are above the knee dresses (one may be too short). 2 are ones I would never wear out (possibly 3 if that one is too short).

Skirts: 3. All pink. I need skirts. One skater skirt. One mini-skirt. One longer pencil skirt.

Jackets/jacket-type sweaters: 3. 1 pink jacket. 2 black sweaters.

Stockings: 2 sets. Both black. I need different colors and styles.

Pantyhose/tights: 8 pairs. 4 nude, 2 black, and 2 white.

Heels: 8 pairs. 6 are scandalously high and I can’t wear them too long. 1 is somewhat high. 1 pair I can wear all night. Need to get a little more practical here, but I do so love high heels! 2 nude, 1 white, 1 white and pink, 4 black. 4 open toed, 4 close toed.

Flats: 2. Black. And they aren’t real flats. They’re the folding flats for when you’re heels hurt too much. I need flats.

Boots: 0. I love them, but they take up a lot of space and are hard to store in the space I do have.

Running shoes: 1 pair. Black and hot pink (what else?). And I actually ran two miles in them once. They’re really comfortable – wish I could run in them all the time!

Bustiers: 2. 1 pink and 1 black/purple. Need more for the stockings I'm going to buy! ;-)

Nighties: 2. 1 silky and pink and 1 blue mesh. I want a long silky nightgown.

Kimono robes: 1. Silky and pink to match the pink nightie.

Sleepshirts: 1. Pink with flowers. Love the way it feels.

Corsets: 1. Black. Love it.

Gloves: 2. Both black. For formal occasions.

Pants: 4. All black (oops). One pair of workout/yoga pants and 3 pairs of leggings. Need more variety here, though clearly, I’m not a pants gal!

Swimsuit: 1. Hot pink. Would never wear it in front of anyone.

Bras: 13 (thank you Amazon for six packs!). Variety of colors. 1 athletic bra. 1 pocket bra (a great purchase). 2 strapless bras. 9 “traditional” bras, of which 1 doesn’t fit.

Panties: 24 (again thank you Amazon for six packs). Mostly bikini variety. Generally silky, lacy, or if cotton with hearts on them and such. 1 pair of panties with padding. 1 pair of ruffled panties just for fun.

Petticoats: 2. And they both are terrible. One short and one six hoop long petticoat. Neither with crinoline and frills. Learned a lesson here.

Pocketbooks: 1. Pink, white, and black (what else). Big enough to carry a pair of heels.

Wallet: 1. Black and boring.

Wigs: 2. Blond. Need a little variety here but I don’t have a great way to store these so I hesitate to spend money on these. Also, I have somehow lost my wig revitalizing spray (grrr).

Breastforms: 1 pair. And they’re really not very good. Has anyone tried that breastplate that covers your whole chest? Thoughts? I’d like one to add flexibility to what I wear but I don’t want to spend that type of money unless I know I’ll get something good.

Jewelry: 1 bracelet, 1 pair of earrings, 1 necklace, which is tangled beyond all get out (after hours of work by people at the 2016 Femmefever Gala ball).