Quick post early this Sunday morning in what I call my "time before the chaos" - that hour or so I have before my two preschool aged kids wake up and my wife and I are more or less required to be "on" for almost every second for the entire day. Exhausting? Absolutely. There have been many times have I fallen asleep in my kid's bed at 8:00 and woken up only to just walk to our bed and fall asleep. Do I fell jealousy as I look at FB and see all the girls out and having a good time? Absolutely - I've been very candid about it. But would much change even if my wife and family knew about Amanda and their reactions were supportive and positive and I had a bit more freedom? Sure, there may be a bit more Amanda time (which I would like very much) and a bit less sneaking around (which would help my conscience greatly), but otherwise I not sure that there would be.
Being me isn't about always being Amanda, or even being Amanda very often. I hear a lot of the "be yourself" comments from people in my few times out and certainly in my chats with different people. I get that and I support that. But "being yourself" means different things to everyone. And for me, Amanda is only a part of that. I enjoy many things outside of being Amanda, and I wouldn't want to diminish their role in my life even if I had that choice. In other words, even if I was "out" and didn't face any consequences or forced changes from my wife/family for being out, I'm not sure I would change much. And at my life stage, I just don't have the time or energy for it anyway!
I also like to keep Amanda compartmentalized and separate from the rest of my life. Again, many people in the community don't understand that desire for segregation. But it works for me. Amanda allows me to go to a different world for a bit. To put aside my concerns and worries and just live in the moment. Almost to become a different person. To anonymously experience the world and do things that I would never do as a guy. It's like a mini-vacation. We all love vacations and wish we could have them more often. But a vacation everyday gets to the point that it no longer feels like a vacation. And it just wouldn't feel right to me to interact with my wife, my kids, my parents, my friends, my work colleagues, and everyone else as Amanda. That separation helps me find the balance and sanity. I just wish there was more of it.
Despite what I promise to post, I really find that I do better when I write posts as I get inspired to do so. This morning I saw a video this morning during "chaos free hour" that really inspired me to write this, because my impression is that she feels that same way. Alexa Bliss articulates this much better than I do (and definitely is much, much, much more gorgeous), but I'm completely with her on this. So thank you for the inspiration Alexa.
Alexa's video is here:
https://www.facebook.com/alexablisscd/videos/vb.100013131901606/149306628850400/?type=2&theater
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Thursday, June 9, 2016
I've Got Soul, But I Have to Soldier On
Monday, May 23, 2016
Quick And Rare Political Post: Scapegoats and Red Herrings- Thoughts on the NC Law
Sorry to everyone who reads this for going quiet. Been really stretched for time lately. I promise to give more thoughts on my Gala Ball weekend. I've had time to digest it and need to write so I don't lose that. But today, a quick post on politics.
First thing first, I have never posted on politics on this page, and I promise that these types of posts on my page will be almost zero in the future. We all have our beliefs, often passionately held, and i respect's one's rights to have their beliefs - even if I don't agree with them.
Second, I know politics turns some people off. They don't want to read stuff like this. I get it. I do hope you come back though. I love hearing thoughts and it boosts my ego to have readers like all of you. Please don't run away - I promise this type of post will be EXCEEDINGLY rare! :-)
Okay. All of that said, this article, from my favorite publication, captured my two major views on the bathroom issue, which fills up my news feed. First, TGs are being made scapegoats by the long-term (and recent) losers in a wider cultural war that has been playing out for more than 50 years now. Second, the bathroom issue is really a red herring in that it provides a simple target (no pun intended) that is easy to horrify people with (even though fears are unfounded), so that they won't focus on the other terrible aspects in this bill that would be less likely to past muster with as much of the electorate if they were the focus of the publicity. Here's a quote and a link, and I'll stop there.
http://www.economist.com/news/united-states/21699117-how-access-public-restrooms-became-central-issue-american-politics-plughole?frsc=dg%7Cc
Sunday, April 10, 2016
What I Learned this Weekend: Emotional Journeys of Self-Discovery (a.k.a. There's No Crying in Baseball)
Owing to the unseasonably cold weather, my post ball plans had to change. I am now sitting in a beautiful little village straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting - one of the few Upstate NY towns I've seen that doesn't look like it's been in a decades long decline.
This town is the supposed birthplace of baseball - there are stores everywhere selling baseball stuff - the types of stores that don't exist anymore; the types of stores that were dying out when I was a kid and were gone by the time I was a teenager. I walk around this place and wonder when I'm going to see Shoeless Joe Jackson walk out like in Field of Dreams. Is it a bunch of marketing and overhyped tourist stuff? Sure. Is the Rockwell look a very intentional effort by the village? Absolutely. I know that. But my eight year old self is in heaven (to borrow from Field of Dreams, it isn't actually heaven. It's Upstate New York).
Friday and Saturday were Amanda's heaven, or as close as I've ever gotten. I stepped out there - my first time in public dressed. Scared to death yes, but excited and ready were the stronger emotions. It was everything I could have hoped for. I got to experience an extended period as Amanda. I got to interact with people for the first time. People went out of their way to make sure I felt safe and happy. I got to engage in so much interesting conversation - and make so many new friends. And I got to see a big benefit of dressing that I hadn't appreciated - at least certainly not to the extent I do now. Those of us who dress have a bond that others just can't understand. It creates a camaraderie that wouldn't exist otherwise. And that camaraderie (admittedly based on my brief experience) still seems to exist even as dressing fades into the background of the conversation. Dressing is of course always there, but conversations evolve and move to other topics. But the bigger thing is that relationships seem deeper, conversation seem more fun/meaningful. There's a bond there that's hard to explain in words, but you really feel it. It's really a wonderful thing.
Today, I spent the day driving through the country after my original plan fell through - up the Delaware River, through the rolling hills and mountains of Upstate New York to this little hamlet. Instead of dance music, it was bluegrass and rock. Instead of crowds of people, it was the mostly empty roads and me. Instead of the suburbs and city, it was rivers and farms.
And it was wonderful. But the thing is that both are wonderful. And I need both. We all need those things that fulfill us - that fill our cup if you will. Otherwise life becomes a drag (no pun intended) where one just goes through the motions to do what you have to do - to pay the bills, to fulfill your responsibilities, to just survive as opposed to living.
It's a simple point, it's an obvious point in hindsight (things are very often obvious in hindsight), but the implications of trying to live that way are profound. It really hit me as I was walking down Main Street in this Rockwell-esque looking town - an "aha moment" if you will. And all of a sudden I began to tear up. I had to sit down, and I shed a few tears, something I do only in very rare and highly emotional moments.
You can lose balance, you can lose the focus on what matters, so easily. I'm thankful to have my Amanda time and my eight year old me time. They both matter, and they are both necessary periodically. Thank you to the wonderful girls I met this weekend for helping remind me of that.
Friday, April 1, 2016
The Yin and the Yang: This Coming Weekend
The time is drawing near - seven days to be exact - until a lot of firsts for Amanda. First time being seen dressed by anyone other than one person (not counting pics), first time being in public, and first time with multiple days (2 or 3) as Amanda - I've never actually spent one full day to be honest.
The recurring theme I keep returning to is balance. The yin and the yang. The female and the male. The long weekend represents an opportunity for some balance that so rarely happens. And it will be balance. I've found in the recent past when I've had opportunities to dress that I need to balance it with some guy time. And that's what I'll do over this long weekend. After Amanda time, there will be some guy time - doing a guy thing. That guy thing is my other great escape from the concrete jungle and from life in general - camping and hiking in the woods. I'll do that at least one night - possibly two. And when I return I hope to feel the balance I need. At least for a little while.
When you're younger, you lack money (and you often lack self-acceptance). As you get older, you lack time (and often the body use once had as well). I've gotten older - gotten married, have young kids, have a very consuming career. So my constraint has been time. This coming weekend that constraint will be temporarily lifted. I hope that gives me more time to reflect and write on my experiences as they are fresh. Some of that reflection will be sitting somewhere nice and comfortable in a dress and heels. Some will be sitting by a campfire in jeans and hiking boots. They are both sides of me, and this coming weekend, I get to gain some insight on the right balance between them. I'm nervous, I'm scared, I'm excited, but most of all I'm looking forward to discovering more about myself and more about my yin and yang balance. It will be interesting to say the least!
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
What Scares Me Most About CDing; or Irrational Thinking, the Pink Fog, and Pandora's Box
Ana Cristina Garcia is writing a series of posts on Facebook (and I believe Flickr) discussing her theories on CDing. It's a very interesting read - Cristy offers lots of insight and stories from her own experiences and has clearly put a lot of thought into her points - and I agree with a lot of what Cristy has to say. I won't link to her posts as I'm sure that most of the readers know who she is (if you follow the online CDing community) as she's been an Internet fixture for some time now. Anyway, her latest post discusses what she calls the "Pink Fog" in which the euphoria of being dressed is so great it clouds your judgement, causing dressing to take over your life and leading to neglecting/abandoning the rest of your life (the real world). As someone who is married with kids and a career, this really hit home for me and spoke to some of my greatest fears, which are magnified as I step a toe into the CDing world - with first a makeover/photo session and soon a first venture out while dressed. Given that, I wanted to share my thoughts on the nature of CDing and the "Pink Fog" from my response to Cristy's post. I would of course love to hear other's thoughts on this subject as it should be very relevant to all of us.
This is my favorite note you've written so far, Cristy, and the most important one in my opinion. Very insightful as well - lots to think about here. Thank you for sharing.
This is my favorite note you've written so far, Cristy, and the most important one in my opinion. Very insightful as well - lots to think about here. Thank you for sharing.
I often here people refer to CDing as a hobby. I've never agreed. A hobby is different. Someone who plays golf, for instance, does it mainly because they enjoy it and find it relaxing. So in that sense it's like CDing. But people quit golfing all the time and move on to different things. In other words, they aren't compelled to play golf. Same for other hobbies. CDing is different because we feel compelled to do it. It's primal. And that makes the it different from hobbies - and much more dangerous because it's more likely to become addicting.
I think that like you say, the key is moderation. I'd argue that's easier when you have the ability to dress periodically. And, as we get older, that generally means that you are out in the open to the people in your life who are directly affected by CDing, and they at least tolerate it to the extent that you are given the ability to "feed the beast" once in a while. If you don't have that, you are more likely to go overboard and make rash decisions about CDing (the pink fog you refer to) I think because resentment builds against you constraints (generally family). And that resentment can blind you to all the good in the rest of your life. I compare it to a teenager who was able to occasionally have a beer or glass of wine with his parents while growing up to someone who doesn't have a drink until they are off at college. The latter is much more vulnerable and likely to make rash decisions in my opinion because of that forced restraint that's been there his entire life.
And that's what scares me. I'm not out to my wife - or anyone else for that matter. Last year, I had a makeover/photo shoot - the first time anyone had seen me dressed. This year, I'm taking a "weekend away" and going to a ball and a few other places dressed. And while it's something I want to do - I need to do - it scares the hell out of me. Not just because of the typical reasons you'd expect for a first time being out in public dressed. But because I'm scared I'll open a Pandora's box. I think I have the life experience and appreciation of what I have - wife, kids, career - to handle it. But temptation is powerful, as you seem to recognize. So thank you for your insight into this. It came at an important time for me and is very useful.
Monday, February 15, 2016
My CD Story, Part 3 - Amanda's Acceptance of CDing, Trip to Femmefever, and Where She is Today
Ahh... a rare moment alone. No work today, kids aren't here. A chance to continue my story and actually put some things in writing that I have more time to think about.
One thing, yes I ramble on this. Sorry about that. It's a chance for me to talk about a topic that's always on my mind but I never get to speak about. This blog is as much a personal journal for my own benefit as it is anything else. So back to the story...
As you get older and you have a steady job, you get married, you have kids, etc., I think there's a certain amount of acceptance that naturally comes along with things in your life. You realize that there are certain limitations and things that you simply can't change. And you realize that that's okay - i.e., you accept it. We see it in politics all the time for instance - the youngest of us think that we can change the world. As we get older, some of that idealism fades. Hopefully most of that idealism fades only to realism and not cynicism (it seems to me so many older people are cynical and think that the young are destroying the world - I digress). There are some things we can and should change for sure. Yes, I should work my butt off in the gym to lose those extra 15 pounds (not only will I feel better physically, but there's obvious advantages from being a CD and trying to look as fem as possible when dressed - a CD with a beer gut is not an attractive image!). But no, I'm not going to be able to change who I am, what drives me, and what I'm passionate about.
I think that this shift in mindset is what finally led to my acceptance of my crossdressing as a major (not the major, a major), part of who I am. And that came a couple of years ago. That summer when my wife and kids went away for a couple of weeks, I had a CD bonanza. Bought a bunch of clothes on Amazon. Got a bunch of makeup. Spent the weekend dressed. My makeup was terrible - there's a bunch of headless shots on my Flickr site. But it was so fun. And what I discovered (which I had somewhat discovered before) is when you dressed, there's a huge rush in getting out. I was sneaking around the neighborhood at night (I made an intentionally vague comment about risk and thrills on those Flickr pics - but that's what I meant). I think some of it is sexual in nature - there is something sexual about being a hetero CD for me, and many of us. Think about where many of us started and what we would do as teenagers while dressed, and then the shame afterwards. As I said on a Facebook post of Ana Cristina Garcia's, I've certainly felt an increased element of risk taking involved when dressed. Perhaps some of it is because I have to be so secretive most of the time - I.e., risk averse - that when I get that chance I need to take the risk. Certainly the rush is a big part of it - and I do think that some of that rush may be driven by arousal (even if we don't have a physical reaction). Sexual arousal makes us do things we wouldn't do otherwise.
But creeping around the neighborhood wasn't enough. I wanted to see how good I could look. I wanted to share this secret with someone in a face to face manner. I needed validation that CDing was okay and that I could be (reasonably) good at it. As I said again on Cristy's Facebook post, I think that the need for validation naturally comes from suppression followed by acceptance. CDing has been a suppressed part of our identity our whole life - often even from ourselves. When we finally do accept it as part of who we are, we want to do it right. I think this is because you put more effect into the things that give you the most satisfaction. So once we've accepted CDing, we either (1) want validation of our best work or (2) want to give our best so badly that we're willing to reveal ourselves so we can have the help in achieving our best (my case). Either way, there's a natural desire to want to share with someone that stems from acceptance. One's levels of risk aversion, trust, and security will dictate whether that person shares with someone they love or a stranger.
I'm actually quite a risk averse person despite creeping around my neighborhood in a tight dress, heels, and a cheap bad wig that weekend. And I felt there was a lot to lose by sharing this with my wife. I could lose her, my kids, my job, everything that I had worked for. I could not (and still cannot) get over that hump. So I went the stranger route. But I had dropped too much money on clothes to do it that weekend. That outing would have to wait another year.
This past summer, with my wife and kids going out of town again, I went on another Amazon binge. But this time I was going to scratch that validation itch. I was going to see how good I could look. And I was going to share my secret with someone in person for the first time. I did a lot of research before deciding where I would go. Looking at websites, reading testimonials (both on and off of the makeover site websites because let's face it, there's some natural bias on their websites - who is going to post a bad review?), and considering the length of time the person had been doing their work. Ultimately, I felt that the best choice for me was Karen at Femmefever. This was it. A huge step for me. I was unsure of my emotional state - this was a secret that I had kept for 35+ years. But it was something I had to do. My testimonial from that day tells my experience from a day in my life that I'll never forget:
I actually drove home dressed that day. Two hours in rush hour traffic. Not a good idea to do when adrenaline is rushing and you're wearing a corset. I was too scared to stop and nature was screaming at me! But I did make it home and spent the rest of that day and the next dressed. The next day, I actually didn't dress even though I could. I think CDing for me is a balance thing. I need yin and yang. And having had two days of overwhelming yin, I needed the yang of time alone as a male. The problem most times is that the yin needs more time. That weekend, by Sunday, it was the yang.
That said, there's a bit of a Pandora's box element to being dressed "right", seeing how good I could look, and sharing my secret that scared me. It still scares me sometimes. What if I like dressing and being open with it too much? Was I going down a road where this would take up a bigger and bigger chunk of my life such that I pushed out the other elements of my life and this took center stage? I don't think that's happening. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a struggle - there's that desire for validation. There's that rush in being out. There's that desire to share the experience with those who have experienced that same thing. But there's so much to lose by doing too much of that. Things that are much more important to me than dressing. And that's what I have to remind myself. I realize now that I need the occasional outlet and opportunity to dress. I have a whole weekend this spring - can't wait for that - meeting people in person, posting pics, the thrill in being out. But my life is such that it's going to have to be discreet and very occasional. And that brings me back full circle to my first point - which was that as you get older, there's a certain amount of acceptance you obtain with things in your life. Given those limitations, you try to be as happy as you can. And I am generally happy. Certainly things aren't perfect, but I can be generally happy with the way life is. And one thing is my sure... life will go on...
Thanks for reading my story. More topics to come - promise! -Amanda
One thing, yes I ramble on this. Sorry about that. It's a chance for me to talk about a topic that's always on my mind but I never get to speak about. This blog is as much a personal journal for my own benefit as it is anything else. So back to the story...
As you get older and you have a steady job, you get married, you have kids, etc., I think there's a certain amount of acceptance that naturally comes along with things in your life. You realize that there are certain limitations and things that you simply can't change. And you realize that that's okay - i.e., you accept it. We see it in politics all the time for instance - the youngest of us think that we can change the world. As we get older, some of that idealism fades. Hopefully most of that idealism fades only to realism and not cynicism (it seems to me so many older people are cynical and think that the young are destroying the world - I digress). There are some things we can and should change for sure. Yes, I should work my butt off in the gym to lose those extra 15 pounds (not only will I feel better physically, but there's obvious advantages from being a CD and trying to look as fem as possible when dressed - a CD with a beer gut is not an attractive image!). But no, I'm not going to be able to change who I am, what drives me, and what I'm passionate about.
I think that this shift in mindset is what finally led to my acceptance of my crossdressing as a major (not the major, a major), part of who I am. And that came a couple of years ago. That summer when my wife and kids went away for a couple of weeks, I had a CD bonanza. Bought a bunch of clothes on Amazon. Got a bunch of makeup. Spent the weekend dressed. My makeup was terrible - there's a bunch of headless shots on my Flickr site. But it was so fun. And what I discovered (which I had somewhat discovered before) is when you dressed, there's a huge rush in getting out. I was sneaking around the neighborhood at night (I made an intentionally vague comment about risk and thrills on those Flickr pics - but that's what I meant). I think some of it is sexual in nature - there is something sexual about being a hetero CD for me, and many of us. Think about where many of us started and what we would do as teenagers while dressed, and then the shame afterwards. As I said on a Facebook post of Ana Cristina Garcia's, I've certainly felt an increased element of risk taking involved when dressed. Perhaps some of it is because I have to be so secretive most of the time - I.e., risk averse - that when I get that chance I need to take the risk. Certainly the rush is a big part of it - and I do think that some of that rush may be driven by arousal (even if we don't have a physical reaction). Sexual arousal makes us do things we wouldn't do otherwise.
But creeping around the neighborhood wasn't enough. I wanted to see how good I could look. I wanted to share this secret with someone in a face to face manner. I needed validation that CDing was okay and that I could be (reasonably) good at it. As I said again on Cristy's Facebook post, I think that the need for validation naturally comes from suppression followed by acceptance. CDing has been a suppressed part of our identity our whole life - often even from ourselves. When we finally do accept it as part of who we are, we want to do it right. I think this is because you put more effect into the things that give you the most satisfaction. So once we've accepted CDing, we either (1) want validation of our best work or (2) want to give our best so badly that we're willing to reveal ourselves so we can have the help in achieving our best (my case). Either way, there's a natural desire to want to share with someone that stems from acceptance. One's levels of risk aversion, trust, and security will dictate whether that person shares with someone they love or a stranger.
I'm actually quite a risk averse person despite creeping around my neighborhood in a tight dress, heels, and a cheap bad wig that weekend. And I felt there was a lot to lose by sharing this with my wife. I could lose her, my kids, my job, everything that I had worked for. I could not (and still cannot) get over that hump. So I went the stranger route. But I had dropped too much money on clothes to do it that weekend. That outing would have to wait another year.
This past summer, with my wife and kids going out of town again, I went on another Amazon binge. But this time I was going to scratch that validation itch. I was going to see how good I could look. And I was going to share my secret with someone in person for the first time. I did a lot of research before deciding where I would go. Looking at websites, reading testimonials (both on and off of the makeover site websites because let's face it, there's some natural bias on their websites - who is going to post a bad review?), and considering the length of time the person had been doing their work. Ultimately, I felt that the best choice for me was Karen at Femmefever. This was it. A huge step for me. I was unsure of my emotional state - this was a secret that I had kept for 35+ years. But it was something I had to do. My testimonial from that day tells my experience from a day in my life that I'll never forget:
"After many years in the closet to the world, the desire to be dressed "right" was just too much for me. So after doing I fair amount of research, I got up my nerve and messaged Karen to set up an appointment. When the day finally came, I drove to Karen's. I circled the block a couple of times before I got up the nerve to stop. When I finally did, I was literally shaking with fear. But within moments, Karen put me at ease.
She has a way with conversation that is so disarming - casual, yet insightful, full of wisdom yet not preachy, but lots of fun. We talked a bit about my background, a bit about hers, and then she got to "work" on molding the clay that she had (i.e., me). She took her time getting me ready - but not too much time (I think a big part of the day was being about to simply enjoy being dressed) and then we spent several hours taking a few (okay a lot) pictures, trying some different looks, getting some (much needed) advice, and talking about everything under the sun - from her kid's sports achievements and my own (modest) ones, to some of the feelings that I had to the varied people who have come through there. I can't remember all the conversation. What I do remember was that Karen gave me a wonderful day to relax and to be in the moment, in femme. No fear, no pressure - just acceptance and friendship, which is what I think so many of us need. She's truly a special person and knows how to make a great experience.
As far as the dressing, it was a blast. We tried many different looks, different wigs, and Karen would take the time to make my make-up right while for the look I was going for. She really worked hard on her piece of clay (me), who was floating on a cloud too much to appreciate all the effort, but certainly was able to savor the results.
Three months later, I'm still smiling as I type this. My circumstances make my ability to get out minimal, but Karen maximized the return on that little bit of time. I can't wait to see her again."
I actually drove home dressed that day. Two hours in rush hour traffic. Not a good idea to do when adrenaline is rushing and you're wearing a corset. I was too scared to stop and nature was screaming at me! But I did make it home and spent the rest of that day and the next dressed. The next day, I actually didn't dress even though I could. I think CDing for me is a balance thing. I need yin and yang. And having had two days of overwhelming yin, I needed the yang of time alone as a male. The problem most times is that the yin needs more time. That weekend, by Sunday, it was the yang.
That said, there's a bit of a Pandora's box element to being dressed "right", seeing how good I could look, and sharing my secret that scared me. It still scares me sometimes. What if I like dressing and being open with it too much? Was I going down a road where this would take up a bigger and bigger chunk of my life such that I pushed out the other elements of my life and this took center stage? I don't think that's happening. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a struggle - there's that desire for validation. There's that rush in being out. There's that desire to share the experience with those who have experienced that same thing. But there's so much to lose by doing too much of that. Things that are much more important to me than dressing. And that's what I have to remind myself. I realize now that I need the occasional outlet and opportunity to dress. I have a whole weekend this spring - can't wait for that - meeting people in person, posting pics, the thrill in being out. But my life is such that it's going to have to be discreet and very occasional. And that brings me back full circle to my first point - which was that as you get older, there's a certain amount of acceptance you obtain with things in your life. Given those limitations, you try to be as happy as you can. And I am generally happy. Certainly things aren't perfect, but I can be generally happy with the way life is. And one thing is my sure... life will go on...
Thanks for reading my story. More topics to come - promise! -Amanda
Thursday, January 28, 2016
My CD Story, Part 2
... When we last left Amanda... No, just kidding... Isn't that what they used to do in the sitcoms when they had a to be continued episode...
After college, I got an internship in a city away from home. I lived with a girl who I had a crush on. Never made a move on her (too nervous, only came close when we were drunk). However, she went to a different for a permanent job interview. I stayed up all night wearing her clothes, walking around outside in our apartment complex (a huge thrill). There was massive guilt after the rush of course, when after hours, but I try on her clothes a couple of other times when she was out of town.
I moved to a different city down south after that and had my own place, but only dressed once - at this point I was in my early 20s and really struggling between my CD feelings, a lack of self-confidence with girls, and the feelings of what I should be and do to get what I wanted - a wife and a family. So like I said, I only dressed once - I went out and bought the stuff and came home and dressed. After another long dressed session the guilt got to me again. I threw it all away and went out drinking with some friends. But when I got home, thinking about dressing got to me, and I jumped in the dumpster to get those clothes. Had another dressing session, felt the guilt, and got rid of them for good this time.
I went to graduate school, which was a lot like college - no dressing. Got a job in New York City and moved there. I started ordering stuff from Frederick's. I would occasionally have dressing sessions, though not all the time. Always ended with the guilt and questions. But I didn't purge - I kept my stuff and expanded my collection over time. I think the lack of purging was my first bit of acceptance that this was part of who I was.
By this point I was in my late 20s and working long hours. Feeling the pressure about marriage from family and from myself, I made a concerted effort to date. some but couldn't find a spark with most girls. I figured I would never have a girlfriend, so I started thinking about taking the first step to really CDing seriously - shaving. I bought more clothes and started dressing much more often, but always in private.
But it was at that point that my future wife reached out to me - she made the first move - again, self-confidence issues and fear of rejection on my part made me paralyzed in this department. I knew her from school, but she lived away. But was persistent and we went out a few times when I was in the area. She came and spent a weekend. There was a big spark between us. We did the long distance thing for about a year and a half - I put my dressing aside when she was there of course, though I would fantasize about being dressed when we made love. A long distance relationship was really the perfect situation for a closeted CD like me who was still struggling with acceptance and so couldn't envision telling my girlfriend about this. Eventually, we got engaged (I did have the guts to propose) and married. I threw my collection away out of fear she would find it. Did no dressing, but I would look at sites when she wasn't around.
About a year and a half after we were married, our first child was born. That Christmas, they flew home early while I was going to drive later. I went and bought some stuff and had a field day, but of course then threw it all away. That happened a couple more times in the next couple of years, during which we had another child.
I moved to a different city down south after that and had my own place, but only dressed once - at this point I was in my early 20s and really struggling between my CD feelings, a lack of self-confidence with girls, and the feelings of what I should be and do to get what I wanted - a wife and a family. So like I said, I only dressed once - I went out and bought the stuff and came home and dressed. After another long dressed session the guilt got to me again. I threw it all away and went out drinking with some friends. But when I got home, thinking about dressing got to me, and I jumped in the dumpster to get those clothes. Had another dressing session, felt the guilt, and got rid of them for good this time.
I went to graduate school, which was a lot like college - no dressing. Got a job in New York City and moved there. I started ordering stuff from Frederick's. I would occasionally have dressing sessions, though not all the time. Always ended with the guilt and questions. But I didn't purge - I kept my stuff and expanded my collection over time. I think the lack of purging was my first bit of acceptance that this was part of who I was.
By this point I was in my late 20s and working long hours. Feeling the pressure about marriage from family and from myself, I made a concerted effort to date. some but couldn't find a spark with most girls. I figured I would never have a girlfriend, so I started thinking about taking the first step to really CDing seriously - shaving. I bought more clothes and started dressing much more often, but always in private.
But it was at that point that my future wife reached out to me - she made the first move - again, self-confidence issues and fear of rejection on my part made me paralyzed in this department. I knew her from school, but she lived away. But was persistent and we went out a few times when I was in the area. She came and spent a weekend. There was a big spark between us. We did the long distance thing for about a year and a half - I put my dressing aside when she was there of course, though I would fantasize about being dressed when we made love. A long distance relationship was really the perfect situation for a closeted CD like me who was still struggling with acceptance and so couldn't envision telling my girlfriend about this. Eventually, we got engaged (I did have the guts to propose) and married. I threw my collection away out of fear she would find it. Did no dressing, but I would look at sites when she wasn't around.
About a year and a half after we were married, our first child was born. That Christmas, they flew home early while I was going to drive later. I went and bought some stuff and had a field day, but of course then threw it all away. That happened a couple more times in the next couple of years, during which we had another child.
After delaying a house purchase for years thanks to get burned by the real estate crash, we bought a house and some property with privacy. When my wife went home with the kids again, I spent a couple hundred dollars buying stuff on amazon and took the dressing to a new level, spending basically the whole time dressed and creeping around the neighborhood at night. I even bought makeup and tried. It was such a
thrill (pics from that weekend are on flickr - no face pics because my makeup was terrible - I had no idea what I was doing and looked like a cross between a clown and the bride of Frankenstein). Unfortunately, I was worried about being discovered and threw all the stuff away. But I have bought a few things since, which I still have and have hidden away, and that I wear occasionally when she is out.
To be concluded in Part 3 (all the best movie series are trilogies... Ha... Too much hubris, Amanda ) Amanda's trip to Femmefever
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
My CD Story, Part 1
So I was able to post this quicker than I thought, but it's very long. I'm copying much of it off an email I sent and am doing it using a phone, so this will be broken up. More to come...
The first urge to dress that I can recall was when I was around 3 or 4 years old. My cousin had come over to our house after church. She was wearing her church clothes, including a pair of Mary Jane shoes. I really wanted to try those on, but knew better than to say anything to her or anyone else.
Then I can remember being around five. I was a huge He-Man fan (like I said I was always pretty much a boy's boy outside of this) and was going to dress as him for Halloween. My mother was worried about me being cold and so got me some tights to wear under the shorts. I tried them on as soon as I got home. Turns out it was warm that Halloween and I didn't need them. I kept seeing them in my dresser drawer but never wore them again. One day my mom cleaned out my clothes and they were gone.
Then around third grade one of my friends dressed up as a joke. I felt really funny and knew I wanted to be dressed up too. I used to lie in bed and think about dressing before I went to sleep. By fifth grade, after another friend dressed as a joke, curiosity got the better of me. I started to try on my mom and sister's stuff (she was younger than me and small, but she had some clothes that were way too big for her and I could squeeze into some things). I continued to do this for a couple of years, whenever I was at home alone. With the onset of middle school and those associated changes that teenagers go through, these dressing sessions became more frequent (you can read between the lines here).
Then I can remember being around five. I was a huge He-Man fan (like I said I was always pretty much a boy's boy outside of this) and was going to dress as him for Halloween. My mother was worried about me being cold and so got me some tights to wear under the shorts. I tried them on as soon as I got home. Turns out it was warm that Halloween and I didn't need them. I kept seeing them in my dresser drawer but never wore them again. One day my mom cleaned out my clothes and they were gone.
Then around third grade one of my friends dressed up as a joke. I felt really funny and knew I wanted to be dressed up too. I used to lie in bed and think about dressing before I went to sleep. By fifth grade, after another friend dressed as a joke, curiosity got the better of me. I started to try on my mom and sister's stuff (she was younger than me and small, but she had some clothes that were way too big for her and I could squeeze into some things). I continued to do this for a couple of years, whenever I was at home alone. With the onset of middle school and those associated changes that teenagers go through, these dressing sessions became more frequent (you can read between the lines here).
From then on, I would dress most times when I was home alone. We had just gotten AOL and I discovered the gender forum and pictures there. I would go to the chatrooms, where I would lie about my age and how I was dressed in order to be flattered. This ebbed and flowed through the years. I really didn't date much in high school and only had one girlfriend who lasted for only a few months. Part of this was due to my lack of self-confidence in general and part was fear about being found out as a CD. Those fears lasted through college and well into my 20s.
Outside of that, though, I was a fairly typical guy - I loved sports (still do) and played all kinds, generally liked things most boys do, drank and partied, and was reasonably popular in school. I look back on my high school days generally fondly. I even thought at one point near the end of high school that I had this CD thing beaten. Then I got my own computer, my curiosity got the best of me, and the next thing I know I was checking out all the sites of geocities. Through college I would spend lots of time in my room looking at sites. Rarely (basically never) dressed, and I'm sure all the time in my room on the Internet hurt my social life, but my lack of self confidence and introversion meant my social life was never going to be stellar anyway.
To be continued...
Welcome to My Blog & Short Version of About Me
Hello and welcome to my blog. I hope you find it enjoyable and that we can enlighten one another. I look forward to making some new friends and engaging in some interesting dialogue.
Why blog and why do it under my CD pseudonym?
Why blog and why do it under my CD pseudonym?
I view this blog as my own therapy. I'm often full of worry and fear about the future, and this is my chance to write about it. Blogging as Amanda gives me a chance to explore all aspects of myself, including (but not limited to) CDing, and it allows for some comments and feedback from others, with the ability to do it anonymously. So, I guess my question is, why not blog as Amanda? She's a (important) part of me, and this gives me a chance to tell all of my story and explore all of my thoughts.
I grew up in a small southern town. Like many (all but a handful) of them, it's socially conservative and very religious - certainly not the type of place where being CD would be very accepted, though it has become more tolerant over the years as it is a retirement area that has boomed in population.
But being a CD is only a part of who I am: I don't think I would have been running around in dresses and playing with dolls regardless. I was actually a pretty regular boy otherwise - into sports, action figures, and the like. Sexually, I liked girls - still do (of all types). Beyond CDing, my difference from other boys in my town was that I was very smart, very ambitious, a bit more introverted and risk averse, and lacked self-esteem and self-confidence. Those things still define me today - except I'm working with people smarter than me now, which is more challenging and entertaining, but very often weighs on my self confidence too.
Up next: my CD story
|