Well, it only took me three years, but I finally made it to one of Karen's monthly Femmefever parties. Yay!
Karen has a lot to do with Amanda's existence. In fact, she was the first one who I ever told I dressed. I can very clearly remember the nervousness driving to her house for that first photo shoot - shaking when I was eating lunch down the road beforehand, driving the block around her house three or four times, and uncontrollably shaking as I sat there talking to her, telling her I dressed. And then she made me pretty - I had never worn makeup before (other than a play I was in as a kid, when the older girl I had a crush on did my stage makeup before I was in a play - want to talk about a kid in a candy store! But I digress...). Karen made me pretty, she put me at ease. For six hours, I played dress up and took pics. To this day, the pics that you can see of me are when she did my makeup or when I did it. And it's pretty damn obvious which ones she did because the makeup is fantastic!
Anyway, back to my story (Amanda has a serious habit of digressing, something her other half rarely does - she's also much more outgoing - so strange how Amanda brings out a completely different side of me in so many different ways). I went to Karen's gala ball in 2016. Had a great time and spent 1.5 full days as Amanda. Ever since, I've wanted to go to one of her monthly parties. Whew, got the background out.
So three years later, I went. I massively overdressed, but that was intentional. When you have one night out in three years, you ain't going to mess around with something that blends in. I wanted to be noticed - I'm past those days of literally shaking. I don't love being seen by the broader public, but I also was in a place where I knew no one and the odds of seeing anyone I would know were as close to zero as they could be. So I purchased a sparkly gold dress that was relatively short, sparkly gold heels, and wore my shimmery hose. I asked Karen to glam me up. And glam me up she did - you can see the pics on my Facebook page.
I had a blast at the party. Met a lot of great people, tried to remember what I was wearing and the proper way to act and sit (short dresses show a lot to interested onlookers), and drank way too much (at least it was wine - which I rarely drink in guy mode). I didn't mean to, just started happening and the wine was flowing. Oops. Bad Amanda. Thankfully I was in a place where nothing bad would happen to me. Because I was quite tipsy and hence vulnerable (another new feeling).
So the one and a half observation - the amount of attention I got and the value of confidence. I'm quite frankly not used to being noticed. As a kid (and I think I was a cute kid), people pay attention to you. They talk to you, smile a lot, and at least pretend to be interested in what you say. That changes a bit as you get older. You're not as cute, you have to try a little harder in college, and come out of your shell enough to make friends and get dates. When you're a married guy with kids, forget it. You are entirely in the background. My social life is set by my kids and wife. She's at home, I work all the time. We live in an area that's much more insolar than NYC and moved a couple of years ago for work. I know NO ONE outside of work. That means at parties, the kids go play, she talks to the other wives (who are also mostly stay at home moms), and husbands are pushed in the corner or stand at the grill away from everyone. In short, you fade into the background and are the last one to be noticed. But when you're looking pretty hot (I'd like to think) in a short, sparkly dressed, you get noticed. People approach you. They want to talk.
Some of that is confidence I'm sure. It takes confidence to wear what I did. But I tried to come off as confident as well. I was there to have a good time. I felt good with the way I looked. And I wanted to have fun. And I found out that confidence is sexy - and people are drawn to it. And since people are drawn to it, it's powerful. It's a lesson that I'll take back to my "regular" life. I've always known it to some extent, but I've always struggled with it as well - a lot. Something I definitely need to remember.
I saw the counterexample at the party as well. There were lots of guys there, I'm sure mostly admirers. And quite a few came up to talk to me. Now I'll say, I'm not attracted to guys. But I do love flattery, and I do love to be admired. What's the ratio of GG comments versus comments from those who were born biologically male on your pics? Mine is like 3 versus 1 million. So I talk to the guys at the party. It's quite educational, and it reinforces my confidence comment above.
The reason I say that is that I got to be on the other side of that conversation I used to try to have in bars when I was single. I was the one being approached, I was the one being given the line or complimented. What an eye opening experience. A lot of mumbling and bumbling, and not much to talk about or any ideas of what to say. I think I actually was a bit intimidating - which is not what I wanted to be. It frankly was a bit painful at times to listen to. And it was educational to me to think about how unconfident it came off as, and how often I did as well when I was in that position. And that's just not attractive. Not that I would go for a guy regardless (and I'm married anyway), but confidence and nice conversation really does go a long ways. Lesson learned. Present confidence.
The second lesson is kind of sad to me, but it goes with the introduction here. CD-ing is really lonely most of the time. There's a few really high highs and then things crash quickly. You go from the center of attention to being forgotten in life, but it happens with things like pics and people to. Post a few pics, get a ton of likes and compliments, and try to start a few conversations. A little back and forth, and then... radio silence. My Facebook has been quieter over the past week than I can remember at any time - and that is after a weekend full of a ton of talking to people I met at the party and others who just had nice things to say.
I wish those relationships, particularly with people I met at the party, would last longer. I know it was a night, but it stinks to have to start over again and again with meeting people. Sure, there are a couple of people I talk to fairly regularly, but even several of those have faded away with time. It takes away part of the meaning of being Amanda, because part of that meaning is to form relationships with people - make friendships, hopefully a few of which are meaningful. And that just doesn't seem to happen. Maybe if I was able to be a bigger part of the community it would, but my sense is that more of the relationships are almost transactional - either they are sexual in fact or just in the adrenaline that comes when everyone is dressed. During those times when everyone isn't out and dressed, I wonder how many people actually talk to one another. It's kind of sad to me, and it makes CDing and being out a little like a drug - a way to get your fix of attention and meeting people. And then after the drug wears off, it's the letdown you feel the day after Christmas. That's what I'm feeling now. I'm sure others do sometimes too. I wish we could all work through it together.
