So the world has turned right side up again. That means Amanda goes back into hiding. She is packed safely away at an undisclosed, non-descript storage facility as I will be with my family again. What have I learned from this experience? And where do I go next on this journey?
1. Amanda can stand on her own two (high heeled) feet better than I gave myself credit for. I finally had the opportunity to learn to do makeup. While I still don't have the shades right and there's a lot of work to do (the makeup done by Karen at Femmefever versus my own in recent pics is night and day), with practice, I'm confident I could get much better. And I showed my pics after having done my makeup. That's a big step for me.
2. Amanda can be an enormous use of time... There's nothing more I love than being dressed, but dressing takes a lot of effort and time, which is just something I haven't had a lot of. She's also quite a use of money, and with a credit card and access to Amazon has accumulated a pretty sizeable wardrobe that is pretty silly given how often most things get worn.
3. ... which means that I have devoted less time to being Amanda despite the opportunities. Some of it is sheer exhaustion. I'm really burning both ends in my male life, and despite the opportunity to dress, as time went on, I really didn't have the energy for it. That was okay at the moment, because for me, dressing is something I need to do to get it "out of my system" and feel that balance for a bit. I've found even when I have the entire weekend alone to dress, I don't spend the whole time dressed.
4. God love her, but Amanda is, frankly, a very demanding woman and a bit of a spoiled brat when she doesn't get her way. When she isn't expressed, she stomps her heeled foot and screams - louder and louder. But as long as she is placated with periodic dressing opportunities, she is quiet and generally happy. As the no dressing intervals increase, I'm going to question why I didn't dress more during this period. It was just that at the time, I didn't need it. But having the opportunity was wonderful.
5. Amanda has a need for validation... There was a line in Mad Men, where Don Draper (while pitching cigarettes) said that advertising is really about telling you that whatever it is you're doing, it's okay. That's what Amanda wants - that's what we all want I think. I'm not going to lie here, some of this need for validation (okay quite a bit) is sexual. Amanda wants to be seen as a woman, and she feels sexier than she looks when dolled up which can make her...err... a bit sluttish. I love looking in the mirror and seeing her. And the reason that I post pictures is not only to see them myself and remember the times, but to get that validation from others - that Amanda is okay and that I look good. I'm straight, but I liked being talked to sexy and treated as Amanda by a man (or a woman for that matter - but let's be honest, not many women have a thing for CDs). I have fantasies about being taken out on a date with a man (though I still don't think I could do anything sexual with a man). Why? I think it's because it validates Amanda as a woman. As someone who is desired, wanted, thought of as a woman. And beyond the sex aspect of it, that validation means getting out a bit, being Amanda, and being thought of as Amanda. Hence the trip to CDI a couple of weeks ago when I got the chance. It's very satisfying, and it fills Amanda's cup for a time.
6. ...that need for validation scares me because it means taking risks with the rest of my life. It means that Amanda is willing to go out to places where she doesn't know anyone in order to be treated as Amanda. It means she's willing to post pics on all sort of sites Internet (though no nudes), shamelessly flirt and tease, and allow people to say things to her that I would never allow to be said to me in male mode. I'm not particularly proud of the way Amanda behaves sometimes... it's just that the need for validation is so strong. It's part of why no one on my male side knows about Amanda... bad enough that I have hidden the CDing from them, but then the way Amanda acts... well, I'm not sure about that reaction and what they'd think either, and probably justifiably so. This increases the magnitude of the risk I'm taking, and it also makes me that much more determined to keep Amanda hidden, which means that a lot of this won't change.
7. What changes? Not much. Amanda isn't going away, and she is going to continue to fight for her place at the table. But quite often she's going to be kept away from the table because she is just so different from everything else. Periodically, she will storm in and take over the place, creating an Amanda overload that takes over so I can get my fill. She'll remain hidden for the foreseeable future, but she'll be a part of me. And I - Amanda - will continue to walk the journey one (heeled) step at a time.
